Cipherdom (deprecated)

The Big One-oh

Today is my son's 10th birthday. Thanks to my good friend Charlie Drum, who sent this sad, lovely poem by Billy Collins.

On Turning Ten
The whole idea of it makes me feel
like I'm coming down with something,
something worse than any stomach ache
or the headaches I get from reading in bad light--
a kind of measles of the spirit,
a mumps of the psyche,
a disfiguring chicken pox of the soul.
You tell me it is too early to be looking back,
but that is because you have forgotten
the perfect simplicity of being one
and the beautiful complexity introduced by two.
But I can lie on my bed and remember every digit.
At four I was an Arabian wizard.
I could make myself invisible
by drinking a glass of milk a certain way.
At seven I was a soldier, at nine a prince.
But now I am mostly at the window
watching the late afternoon light.
Back then it never fell so solemnly
against the side of my tree house,
and my bicycle never leaned against the garage
as it does today,
all the dark blue speed drained out of it.
This is the beginning of sadness, I say to myself,
as I walk through the universe in my sneakers.
It is time to say good-bye to my imaginary friends,
time to turn the first big number.
It seems only yesterday I used to believe
there was nothing under my skin but light.
If you cut me I could shine.
But now when I fall upon the sidewalks of life,
I skin my knees. I bleed.

--Billy Collins

Lots more of his poems are on the web.

Increased Chatter

Call me skeptical, but I don't see why the Homeland Security threat level should be elevated just because of increased chatter like this. Followers of both these guys are off their rockers, but they're probably harmless.

I'm admittedly confused over the whole term "Reality Television." The news media focus on unreal things, or at least bring an unreal perspective to very important things. In comparison, maybe a gaggle of smarmy Vegas wanna-be singers competing to become fodder for the corporate entertainment junta does qualify as "real."

At its best, Country music used to be real as things get. My TV remote settled very briefly last night on the Academy of Country Music (another oxymoron) awards ceremony, but I missed the evident highlight of seeing the Dixie Chicks get booed. I'm ambivalent about the Chicks -- they seem original only in comparison to the bereft shit that passes for Country music today. I was disgusted by how they backtracked after being caught criticizing Dear Leader while on foreign soil. Then, they bucked up when interviewed by Diane Sawyer, succeeding at least in making the apology sound insincere. Given what I know about the evil Clear Channel company (even the name is Orwellian), I wouldn't doubt that they packed the ACM audience with lackeys instructed to heckle poor Natalie Maines, whose performance was piped into the awards venue by satellite. The ceremony was held in Vegas and began with a benediction by Wayne Newton, btw. He most certainly was not Country When Country Wasn't Cool -- oh wait, it's officially not cool anymore.

Maines wore a t-shirt saying "F.U.T.K.", which was presumably a slap at the monumentally ignorant and talentless Toby Keith, ACM's "Entertainer of the Year." (Mysteriously, Keith was a no-show, so watch for news that he stayed away to protest the Chix' presence. Oh boy.) Bear with me for several months as I try to decide whether the wardrobe gesture by Maines was brave or lame. Either way, it can't be long before she is known as the Sinead O'Connor of Country Music^TM. (And that wouldn't be a bad aspiration, btw.)

So in an attempt to get real today, here is a slideshow from June Carter Cash's funeral. I found the photos very moving. Attendees included Wilma Lee Cooper. (In the news biz, they call this "burying the lead.")

New in CIPHER SONGS

I've posted a couple of new tunes in CIPHER SONGS. "Justine" is a crowd favorite, with its driving little riff. This is another one that started out funny and just became dark. "Easier Said Than Done" is a personal fave with willfully simple chords (though near-obligatory key change) and fractured time signature. Inspired by a certain movie about obsessive behavior.

And props to my friend Pete Durgan, whose song "The Truth is the Same" is a Pick of the Week at the Washington Post's MP3 site. Pete is so talented, she actually figured out how to count the beats in aforementioned "Easier Said Than Done," which is more than I could do.

Finally, I've quit mucking about with the name of my main blog, which is henceforth CIPHERDOM. This was the clear choice because it was incrementally less lame than the previous incarnations: CIPHERVILLE, CIPHERLAND and PLEASE POST A COMMENT ON MY LONELY LITTLE CIPHERBLOG. Also, CIPHERDOM may be an actual word with literary pedigree. "He can no longer assert himself by witty negations, and must, to save himself from cipherdom, find an affirmative position." Haw -- that'll be the day! I also like that Mr. Shaw seems to think it's something to be avoided. More practically, my sincere hope is that the "DOM" suffix results in more traffic due to perverts' mistakenly looking for bondage thrills.

Purity of Essence

People are clearly bored with Iraq, but I make no apologies for pointing out, even belatedly, that General Richard B. Myers -- Rummy's straight man in the war briefings -- bears a striking physical resemblance to Sterling Hayden as General Jack Ripper in Dr. Strangelove. (Click to enlarge image.) Of course, Ripper's ideological resemblance to Rumsfeld is what's really uncanny. "God willing, we will prevail in peace and freedom from fear and in true health through the purity and essence of our natural fluids." General Jack D. Ripper Be sure to see this fun collection of Strangelove soundclips and pix.

Another medical miracle

Unexpectedly, my mother-in-law had brain surgery yesterday, although she is doing remarkably well now -- was already alert and talking last night. We had been alarmed on Mother's Day because she seemed to have suffered a stroke, partially losing control of her left side. She said she hadn't felt well for six weeks but is one of these people who hates seeing a doctor. At our insistence, she got blood tests Monday and an MRI yesterday, which revealed a large clot on the right side of her brain, the result of a fall last December. Within three hours, she was in surgery.

Complicating things was the fact that Melinda is out of town, so her folks were scheduled to pick the kids up after school yesterday. Her dad and I kept missing each other by phone, mostly because I have no Sprint cell coverage at the lab where I work -- this is the last straw for Sprint. Not until I left Argonne at 6:30 did I hear his repeated messages. Poor guy had schlepped the kids all over even as his wife was being prepped for surgery. I felt terrible, but Melinda's dad was unfazed when I got to the hospital.

We didn't reach my wife until late in the evening, by which time any major danger had passed. If I hadn't seen it myself, I wouldn't believe they can cut two holes in someone's skull, and that person can be awake and lucid just a few hours later. Her prognosis now is actually much better than if she'd actually had a stroke. This is a wakeup call for my in-laws, who have enjoyed pretty good health but won't be taking it for granted any longer.

June Carter Cash

Given his poor health, folks have expected the news of Johnny Cash's passing, so it may come as a surprise that it was instead June Carter Cash who died today after heart surgery earlier this month. June was the biggest talent of the second-generation Carters. She wrote "Ring of Fire" and had a bunch of other hits with and without Johnny. Though I saw her play Robert Duvall's mother in "The Apostle," prior to reading her obituary, I'd no idea she studied acting w/ Lee Strasberg in the 50s.

Right Reverend Guitar

Slipping further into solipsism, here's a facsimile of my brand new used Reverend Guitar: View image. The picture doesn't quite do it justice, because the brushed metal top is hard to photograph.

Mine has slight differences, including a third pickup. I'd ordered a new gold one that would have had a Bigsby tremolo, but the Bigsby kept getting delayed. After waiting a couple of months, I saw one on Ebay and took the plunge once my original order was safely cancelled. Saved myself some serious green. The metal top helps reduce hum on the single-coil P90 pickups (aka "soap bars"). Color is called "Dragonfly Green," and it will change hues depending on the amount of light. I've been a sucker for two-tone ever since the Specials.

Reverend Guitars is based in Eastpointe, MI. They're known for building affordable but high-quality electric guitars. The bodies are hollow, which makes for a lighter, more resonant instrument. Much easier on your back. Because only the neck is solid wood, they've been compared to Danelectro reissues. But there's no comparison, really. I feel a little guilty about cancelling the order, but a healthy resale market is nearly as important to any guitar maker. 8^)

Post-McDonald's

This picture demonstrates:

a.) Desperate to reposition itself as the "Starbucks of High Caloric Food," McDonald's has contracted with Frank Gehry to redesign the Golden Arches.
b.) The French had enough of that lame-o "freedom fries" taunt and blew up the McDonald's in Paris.
c.) New at McDonald's: Curly Fries!
d.) Another twister hit the U.S. heartland.

911 is a Joke

Two posts in one day, each goofier than the last. I may be getting the hang of this.

Everyone's phone where I work has a white sticker w/ big red print: "911 Emergency," w/ the building and room numbers. Today some guy I've never seen was walking down the hall with one of these stuck to his ass. This place isn't known for its pranksters, so I suspect the tag just came loose from some phone and ended up where he could sit on it. I had an ethical dilemma -- whether to save this stranger from embarrassment, but risk embarrassment myself by pointing out that I had at least glanced at if not downright oggled his hindquarters. Shallow, I know. But it wasn't on one of the cheeks, it was plunged right into the business end of his rear. Had it been someone I know, I'd have gladly pointed it out, while laughing derisively. Instead, I kept quiet and am wracked with something like guilt.

Waifs

Before reluctantly moving from Virginia to Illinois, I saw an Australian band called the Waifs open a gig in Arlington for Kevin Johnson and the Linemen. (The Linemen include my friend Scott McKnight, songwriter non pareil, which is French for "dark chocolate w/ white sugary specks that get caught in your teeth.") The Waifs were pretty astounding -- sisters Donna and Vikki Simpson sharing vocals, backed by Josh Cunningham on tastefully flashy acoustic guitar. Each of them writes, and the songs are snappy bits of unpretentious modern folk music. Now they're opening for Dylan, supposedly at the direct insistence of his very Bobness himself.

They're no secret in Australia, but we Yanks get to discover them now. See the official Waifs web. Also, the mysterious and highly recommended Memphis Cat is currently streaming their 2000 record, Sink or Swim. Try it, buy it.

More re: Iraq Statehood

Tom Friedman, probably the most influential American commentator on the Middle East, today declared Iraq the 51st state. I still think it should be made official and am slightly miffed that he didn't credit me with the idea.
Says Friedman:

Friends, whether you like or hate how and why we got into this war, the fact is America — you and I — has assumed responsibility for rebuilding Iraq. We are talking about one of the biggest nation-building projects the U.S. has ever undertaken, the mother of all long hauls. We now have a 51st state of 23 million people. We just adopted a baby called Baghdad — and this is no time for the parents to get a divorce. Because raising that baby, in the neighborhood it lives in, is going to be a mammoth task. If both Republicans and Democrats don't start looking clearly and honestly at what is evolving in Iraq, we're all going to be in trouble.

See http://www.nytimes.com/2003/05/04/opinion/04FRIE.html?8hpib, but hurry because the NY Times charges for stories after a week or so.

Charlie Rich -- Feel Like Going Home

My pal Mike Wolf's blog has a section called A Case for Song, in which he's asked friends to write about tunes and performances that mean a lot to them. My choice was "Feel Like Going Home" by Charlie Rich.

CipherSongs

I've posted several individual songs for your Ciphering pleasure. They are:

• Robert Ryan
• How Can I Teach You to Be Happy
• Don't You Wonder Why
• Second to None
• Shouldn't Something Happen

I never realized how many of my titles sound like rhetorical questions. Maybe if I leave off the question marks, no one will notice?

Iraq Statehood Now!

As it's very unlikely the U.S. can afford to leave Iraq anytime soon, why not do the decent thing and offer to make it our 51st state? Sure, DC and Puerto Rico might complain about being leapfrogged, but what better way to demonstrate our sincerity in claiming that freedom has come to stay? I made this modest proposal to some friends in mid-April, just after the war ended. Go ahead and scoff, but there are pragmatic reasons to support Iraq statehood -- you read it here first!  

We all know the US military isn't leaving Iraq anytime soon, where "soon" means before the 2004 presidential election and "anytime" means "in our children's lifetime." In my view, the inevitable outcome is that American resolve will be called into question if we don't stand up to Iraqis and other Arabs when they start insisting we leave. Just as the pre-war momentum required that the US not back down, we soon won't be able to afford to depart Iraq for fear that other US-occupied lands will draw the same conclusion and insist that our troops go home. You never know, Guam might come in handy someday.

Since leaving is not an option, the only solution is to create a situation where the Iraqis not only want us to stay, they would be legally bound to let us stay. Think of Alaska, another oilman's paradise. Think of Hawaii, with no oil but with redeeming qualities of its own. Better yet, think of Puerto Rico and the District of Columbia, whose huddled masses yearn for the benefits conferred by US statehood. Let's make Iraq the 51st state.

Before you ask, "Won't the flag look stupid with 51 stars?", please hear me out. We all know that representative government in Iraq is a complete fantasy without long-term US oversight. And we know the Iraqis will not tolerate a colonial presence. Even if we somehow establish a democratic framework before quitting the country, we'd no sooner leave than freedom-despising imams would take over and either abolish democracy or install a twisted sham of it the way Iran has.

No, we should instead let the Iraqi citizens vote on full statehood, which they would no doubt ratify in a landslide. I anticipate the following criticisms:

• The US cannot accommodate statehood for such a large, non-English speaking land. (My first answer: California. Second answer: Oil.)
• We could not afford to offer all Iraqis the same social benefits enjoyed by Americans, including the rights to work, to Social Security, and to minimal health care. (Answer: Bush budget deficits are about to ensure current Americans will not enjoy these benefits, either.)
• The US electoral system cannot run the risk of adding 22 million registered Muslim voters. (Answer: This is a tough one. We tried the "two-thirds of a man" concept without lasting success, and besides, 14.3 million is still a lot of Muslims. We could make sure Katherine Harris runs their elections, but she's busy now in Congress. Besides, if it were that simple, DC would be a state by now. I've got it . . . The GOP has benefited from its tight connections with religious fundamentalists, so a little creative pandering should in fact yield a very powerful new voting bloc in Iraq. This burgeoning Iraqi constituency has already displayed enormous affection for Bush, and at least in the short term, they could probably be counted on to vote for him due to name recognition alone. Just to be safe, let's commission some new statues.)

If neighboring countries are already threatened by our military presence in Baghdad, Basra, Tikrit, Nasiryah, Mosul and the rest, just imagine how having a damn US state next door would freak them out. Furthermore, we would then have a sovereign right to bomb the hell out of any country nearby that looked at us funny. Not that we seem to need that justification anymore, but still . . . As residents of Syria, Iran, Saudi Arabia and the others come to recognize the enormous positive effects of Iraqi statehood, it is just a matter of time before they, too, insist on freedom or even statehood for themselves. Wait, does Syria have oil? Never mind, I know Iran and Saudi Arabia do, and that is probably sufficient. We'll put some casinos in Damascus.

I can't believe Cheney, Rumsfeld, and Wolfowitz haven't already thought of this. What better way to convince the people of Iraq that we're sincere about bestowing freedom upon them?