[FPSPACE] Neil's Convinced About Moon Landings ;-)

[Brett Harrison]

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/conspiracy_theorist_convinces_neil


Conspiracy Theorist Convinces Neil Armstrong Moon Landing Was Faked

August 31, 2009 | Issue 45•36

LEBANON, OHIO—Apollo 11 mission commander and famed astronaut Neil  
Armstrong shocked reporters at a press conference Monday, announcing he  
had been convinced that his historic first step on the moon was part of an  
elaborate hoax orchestrated by the United States government.

According to Armstrong, he was forced to reconsider every single detail of  
the monumental journey after watching a few persuasive YouTube videos, and  
reading several blog posts on conspiracy theorist Ralph Coleman's website,  
OmissionControl.org.

"It only took a few hastily written paragraphs published by this  
passionate denier of mankind's so-called 'greatest technological  
achievement' for me to realize I had been living a lie, " said a visibly  
emotional Armstrong, addressing reporters at his home. "It has become  
painfully clear to me that on July 20, 1969, the Lunar Module under the  
control of my crew did not in fact travel 250,000 miles over eight days,  
touch down on the moon, and perform various experiments, ushering in a new  
era for humanity. Instead, the entire thing was filmed on a soundstage,  
most likely in New Mexico."

"This is the only logical interpretation of the numerous inconsistencies  
in the grainy, 40-year-old footage," Armstrong added.
Enlarge Image

Amstrong was swayed by OmissionControl's use of bolding and capital  
letters to highlight NASA's many blatant fallacies.

Although Armstrong said he "could have sworn" he felt the effects of zero  
gravity while soaring out of the Earth's atmosphere and through space, he  
now believed his memory must be flawed. He also admitted feeling "ashamed"  
that he had failed to notice the rippling of the American flag he and Buzz  
Aldrin planted on the surface, blaming his lack of awareness on the  
bulkiness of the spacesuit and his excitement about traveling to the  
"moon."

"That rippling is not possible in the vacuum of space," Armstrong said.  
"It must have been the wind from an air-conditioning duct that I didn't  
recognize because you can't hear a damn thing inside those helmets."

"This is all just common sense, people," he added. "It's the moon. You  
can't land on the moon."

In a symbolic display of his newfound skepticism, Armstrong then grabbed a  
collection of moon rocks he had kept as souvenirs and dramatically dumped  
them into a trash can.

One of the main arguments posited on Coleman's website—that America could  
not, in 1969, have realistically possessed the technological capabilities  
needed to put a man on the moon—was reportedly one of the first things to  
cause the legendary astronaut a pang of doubt. Despite having spent  
thousands of hours training for the historic mission under the guidance of  
the world's top scientists, technicians, and pilots, Armstrong said he  
knew the conspiracy theories were true after learning that website author  
Coleman was "quite the engineering buff."

"Yes, at the time I thought those thousands of NASA employees were working  
round the clock for the same incredible goal, but if anyone would know  
what was really going on, it would be Ralph Coleman," Armstrong said of  
the 31-year-old part-time librarian's assistant. "He knows a lot more  
about faked moon landings than I ever could. He's been researching the  
subject on the Internet for years."

"Literally years," he added.

Addressing another inconsistency brought to light by OmissionControl,  
Armstrong explained he was probably so focused on piloting the lunar  
module that he failed to notice that one of the moon rocks visible in  
footage of the landing appears to have the letter 'C' stamped on it. An  
emotional Armstrong said that the only possible explanation for this  
detail was that the rock actually came from NASA's prop department.

"They forgot to turn it over," Armstrong said, removing his eyeglasses to  
wipe away tears. "Those lying bastards at NASA went through all the  
trouble to fake the moon landing, but they forgot to turn over one little  
prop rock. And now the whole damn thing's blowing up in their faces."

Although Armstrong initially questioned why the U.S. would attempt such an  
elaborate cover-up, he cited one overarching explanation provided by  
Coleman: that it was a ploy to defeat the Soviet Union and fulfill the  
Illuminati's plan to unify the world's banks and control the dissemination  
of information.

"Just ask Ralph Coleman," Armstrong said. "He'll answer any questions you  
have."

To conclude the press conference, Armstrong showed reporters footage of  
his first steps on the moon to demonstrate that the most daming evidence  
was "right under our noses." Speeding up the tape and replaying the  
graceful moonwalk several times in a row, Armstrong explained that the  
iconic images of humanity's triumphant dance with the cosmos was actually  
just a film of him walking backwards, slowed down, and played in reverse.

"What other explanation could there be?" Armstrong asked. "It's all right  
here. Everything is all right here if you'd just open your damn eyes and  
see!"

Added Armstrong, "I suppose it really was one small step for man, one  
giant lie for mankind."


-- 

Brett Harrison